27 May 2007

1 - Choosing the Right Hot Tub.

Hot tubs are generally awesome. Some hot tubs, however, are far superior to others. How do you find the best one, and what is the best way to use it? After vast research and experimentation, here is the boys' awesome method. (Often, Capt. XX and Mr. P shall be referred to simply as "the boys"...there's less punctuation and capitalization and thus easier to type.)

Step 1 - Finding the Right Hot Tub - Ideally, a hot tub should be round. Square hot tubs have corners which make proper hot-tubbing much more difficult. Water flow should be constant and uni-directional (counter-clockwise is preferred). Water temperature is less important than water circulation, however logic demands that the water in a hot tub should not be cold. Size definitely matters. A decent tub for 2 should be no smaller than 8 ft in diameter. An international hot tub should still be no smaller than 8 ft in diameter, because, after all, the metric system just isn't very awesome. The size of the hot tub (diameter of the circle) should be directly proportional to the number of hot-tubbers (X). The equation follows:

Dhot tub= 4Xft, where X>2, because hot-tubbing alone is not awesome!

Step 2 - Prepare to Hot-Tub - Hot-tubbing is best when performed before lunch, which typically takes place some time before 3:30 pm. All participants should acquire the proper attire - sunglasses, sunscreen, and swim trunks* - and equipment - flotation mat (Styrofoam works best) and cold beverage*. *optional, but highly recommended

Step 3 - Proper Form - All participants shall don sunglasses and swim trunks (unless a prior mutual decision has been reached), apply sunscreen, and then, using the flotation mat, lie on their backs and enjoy the circular movement and a cold beverage. Although minimal conversation is allowed, it is strongly discouraged. The event should continue until lunchtime or other important engagements begin. (A list of acceptable engagements will be provided at a later date.)

2 comments:

Lisa Brown said...

So, you only mention swim trunks - does that mean girls are not involved in this ritual, or are there a seperate set of rules involved when you have ladies in the hot tub?

4 said...

Poor misguided simplicity. Women can't wear swim trunks? In what millennium are we living?