30 March 2009

It's about freaking time!!!!!!

So, I know it's been like a year since I added anything to my site...but this video combines many of my favorite things, and could only be better if James punched Coach K in the face!!!

05 June 2008

7. Dewmocracy!!!!!!!

Vote for VoltageNever before has your vote mattered more. I don't care about whether that old guy is a better leader than that other, not quite as old guy. Neither of them really care about you or make you feel any better. But right now, we can decide the fate of millions...that's right, we can vote on the newest flavor of Mountain Dew. This could possibly be the most worthwhile cause this century (unless you count getting rid of Sanjaya last year.) So get out there and vote. I won't bother trying to sway you to my preference (even if it is the correct one), you should already know how much better Voltage is. My only regret is that our local Dewery (or whatever the Mountain Dew Distributor is actually called) hasn't seen fit to provide Savannah with the chance for Dewmocracy. (Whichever presidential candidate can liberate us from such tyranny will definitely have my vote later this year.) But I was able to find the new flavors in Statesboro and Augusta. I was so distraught that I had to email Dew HQ:
I am trying to find out where I can purchase the Mountain Dew promotional flavors. I found them while traveling through Augusta, GA, but cannot find them around Savannah. I have, until recently, experienced the same problem with "Live Wire", but many convenience stores have started selling the 20 oz. bottles. Is this a problem with the local distributor, or is there some other, more bureaucratic reason for the "Voltage" embargo in our area??? Please help, I am really craving some raspberry-citrus goodness, and with gas prices "sky-high" right now, I really can't afford to drive 140 miles just to purchase soda (although it wouldn't be the farthest that I have traveled just to purchase a Mountain Dew - that would be the 160 mile train ride from Augsburg, Germany to the AAFES Exchange in Wurzburg, Germany to get a real Mountain Dew.) Thanks.

03 April 2008

6. I Can't Wait!!!!!!!

02 April 2008

5. Getting Old

I know there are a bunch of people out there who are reaching that point in life (depends on the person, but usually it is what we refer to as the mid-to-late-twenties) where you just want to end it all. But at least most of you still have dreams and ambitions, so you want to come up with a really creative way to end it. I've decided it is time we ditch the whole conventional age thing, as it causes nothing but trouble (especially if you've ever tried to plan/throw a birthday party for an adult... and if you don't know what I mean, type in "adult birthday decorations" in your internet search engine of choice, and see if you can find a decent centerpiece that won't embarrass your wife in front of her church friends).
There were a bunch of ways to resolve this issue. I thought about going back to the lunar cycle, but I've been reading a lot of fantasy novels lately, and it seems they only ever use that natural phenomenon when alluding to something that I just don't want to think about all the time.
The next option was to count the calendar months, but I always hate it when people say how old their kids are using months. (I don't care if your kid is 13 1/2 months old...if i really wanted to know his birthday, I would have asked for it. I was just making small talk while thinking that your baby looks exactly like my 60 year old neighbor.)
So from now on, I'm going back to the way things were meant to be... Today I am 10825 days old. This makes things so much easier. I'm going to go get one of those clicker things, and spend the next few hours catching up, and then every morning when I beat the odds and wake up(and if you think about it, every night when you go to sleep, you have at best a 50/50 shot at living through the night) I'll click off another day.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'll still commemorate my birthday, but only because it will probably take a few more "years" before my system kicks in and everyone has abandoned this antique method of keeping time. Seriously, we live in a time where we get upset if the guy if front of us at the drive-thru has to repeat his order...why do we have to wait a whole year just to say I'm a little bit older, when you do, in fact, get older every second (but come on, I'm pretty sure there isn't a digit counter on the planet that can keep track of the seconds of my life, not to mention how incredibly un-awesome I would look walking around the mall in sweat pants and flip-flops, constantly clicking off the seconds, yelling out "I'm getting older" or "one second closer to the end").
*Some of you may need me to explain that the "un-awesome" part of the previous scenario (pronounced suh-narry-oh) was not the walking around in sweats and flip-flops - which is one of the awesomest things ever!
So that's it! Live each day like it should be lived. And for the record, day #10837 is going to be as good as any birthday.

10 February 2008

4. A Close Call with Candy Corn

Okay, so I'm pretty sure we can all agree that Candy Corn is probably like the 3rd best candy on Earth. Why #3, you ask? Are there really 2 better treats out there? Well, I'm willing to delve deep into the horrors of my past (a task for which I feel fully qualified, since I got a C in Psych 101 my freshman year of college) to explain why it's truly a wonder that I'll even touch the stuff.
9th grade was an awkward time for me. I was like 5 foot nothing, a hundred pounds, and everyone who knew me could attest that I was in the middle of yet another "really awkward looking phase". A few years later I figured out that if you weren't overly popular in junior high or high school, you could just fake it, do your own thing, and act like you were the most popular person around, and sooner or later it would end up being true. But that wasn't the case in 9th grade. I really wanted to fit in, but didn't. My own group of friends was a little different. We were all too smart for our own good, so we stuck together, but I was a little too odd, even for them.

So, early on in the year, we went on a retreat up in the mountains. It was a mixed retreat, which didn't bode well for me...since I was terrified of girls. We were staying in cabins just big enough for my friends and I. We had all packed warm clothes, cards, homework, and snacks. Being close to Halloween, I procured a jumbo bag of candy corn, and packed it in my duffel bag.

The retreat was fairly uneventful, until the evening before we went home, when everything changed. I went hiking with a few friends and even some girls, and I had even built up enough confidence to speak with them. But when we got back and went to grab our jackets, our cabin had been ransacked. While we were gone, some of my friends had thought it would be funny (looking back on things, they were right) to dump out all of my stuff everywhere, but their crowning achievement was dumping my entire bag of candy corn into a pair of my underwear and hanging it from the light in the middle of the room. Everyone had been waiting for our return, and they all ran in, laughing and cheering, and all I could do was clean up my stuff, hanging my head in shame.

This was the beginning of the end for me and my friends. I never got over the humiliation and the betrayal, and it was the last time I ever wore tighty whities (I bet mom never realized that candy corn was the main reason behind my 9th grade migration to boxers.) I turned into a loner, and started working on figuring out where I really fit in, but I never gave up on candy corn.

I'm prone to believe that there was really only one batch of candy corn ever made, and they are still bagging it and selling it after all these years, but it's really just some corn syrup, sugar, honey, and a little bit of edible wax...that should be able to last a few hundred years no problem. I really wish, however, that people would stop calling it a seasonal treat. Is there only one season where people eat real corn? No. So why shouldn't it be alright to eat candy corn all year long? It should be, and from now on, it is.

I hereby declare that Candy Corn is now acceptable all the time. Enjoy!

22 January 2008

3. The True Meaning of Pirate Day

Legend. Myth. History. Fiction. Rumor. Religion. There are, indeed, countless ways to categorize the stories of our world. A great man once said, "You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view." So, how can we find truth? We must go to the source, and in the case of Pirate Day (celebrated annually on the 21st of January), I am the source.

However, like all stories, the story of Pirate Day begins much earlier than the day itself. The journey may have started nearly 20 years ago, when we received Lego set #6260, and I first wanted my own pet monkey. It may have been my early obsession with the figure on the helmet of the Oakland Raiders, (a period which will forever torment this Jets fan.) It may even have continued with the Jolly Roger, purchased from a street vendor outside Spokane, WA, which flew on my bedroom wall throughout high school and college, and then with the green bandana from Virginia and the black eye patch from the Smith's Food King Pharmacy in Twin Falls, Idaho. It was declared that one could choose to dress as a pirate any Tuesday, and said Tuesday would be deemed "Pirate Day", the sole requirement being that the inevitable question, "Why are you dressed like a pirate?" could only ever be acknowledged with a resounding "Arrghh!" or some other form of piracy. Which leads us to where history and legend unite...

On that fateful Tuesday morning, January 21st, 1997, I, a young college freshman, awoke and dressed in my pirate finery. Alas, I had no parrot or monkey, but my friend, the beaver, sat upon my noble shoulder for the day's festivities. The mountain air was crisp and cool, yet cut-off jeans, a puffy pirate shirt, and flip-flop sandals were the uniform chosen (in addition to the aforementioned bandana and eye patch.)

At this time it should be noted, that, unless medically necessary, eye patches should be generally avoided, as they greatly impair depth perception, driving judgement, and socially acceptable fashion sense. Pirate Day shall always be the one great exception.

Nary a word escaped my lips throughout that glorious day, save it be "Arrgggh!", "Ahoy!", or a well placed "Shiver Me Timbers!" (which suited the occasion, for I most definitely should have added some long-johns to the day's uniform.) My Career Counselor asked me if I would like to explain my festive appearance to our class, which I did thusly..."I am 6 feet tall, 160 pounds. I have red hair, green eyes, pale skin, and freckles."

After class, I dined at the Taco Bell, and rolled 2 games at the local bowling alley, although I freely admit, I removed the eye patch for bowling, and was rewarded with a respectable 183, 195. In the black of night, I trudged back to my domicile, where I received the most grievous e-mail, which marked the beginning of the end for my current relationship, and, likewise marked the beginning of the end for any girl who dared remain in my life through the holidays. A few days later, my girlfriend and I parted ways, and for many months, I referred to the events of that horrible Tuesday evening as "Black Tuesday" (in hindsight, it seems silly to compare the love life of an 18-year-old boy to the Wall Street Crash of 1929, but it was a great label at the time.)

The following year, while living in Germany, I celebrated the 1 year anniversary of that day, by reading a letter from a friend, announcing her engagement, and writing a letter to a prospective girlfriend, ending all future correspondence, naturally while sporting my eye patch and bandana, and painting a skull and crossbones with white-out on a $2 necktie. I realized, while retelling this story to friends, that January 21st was to be the "Pirate Day" of all "Pirate Days". Nothing could be greater than a day devoted to freedom, piracy, and good-natured (well, in my opinion) fun. I issued a decree, and over the years, pirates have rejoiced internationally.

Let me say, the hardest day of my life may have been January 21st, 2001, as I was engaged to be married, and had to sequester myself indoors with a vast quantity of Mountain Dew, Yellow Zingers, Red Vines, and the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, avoiding Capt. XX whenever possible, knowing full well, that my engagement may not survive the day. My girl, however, understood the situation, and being the first girl to ever understand and accept Pirate Day, never really had anything to fear.

I would encourage people everywhere to remember this great day both for what it once was, and what it can become. Happy Pirate Day! (It should be noted that only Pirate Day and Christmas should be saluted with the "Happy" greeting...all other, or shall I say "lesser" holidays should be preceded by "Merry", ie. "Merry Birthday!".)

Appropriate Pirate Day Activities - Pillage, Plunder, Break up with a girl/boyfriend (It has happened on at least 2 occasions, where someone has waited days or even weeks to break up on the 21st in order to celebrate Pirate Day by following this, the greatest of all Pirate traditions), Bowling, Guitar Hero, Legos, Sail any/all of the 7 seas, Drive any/all of the US Highways, Tell a joke about Naval Seamen, (I was laughing so hard at that one, that I had to take a break and eat some Pirate Day Cake), and speaking of Cake...check out their latest album here, Mourn the anniversary of the execution of Louis the XVI while Celebrating the birthday of Jack Nicklaus or vice/versa, Do as little work as possible without getting fired or forced to walk the plank, and last, but most important of all... Dress in your Pirate Finery and say "Argghh!!!!!"

28 June 2007

2 - Good vs. Evil...Not a Tough Call

Throughout time, Good has almost always gotten the best of Evil. Movies, books, music, history, you name it. It is just the way things are supposed to be. This, however, is most definitely not the case when it comes to "Ninja Armageddon". Ninja God (the "Good" title being implied) will never, ever have a chance in a fair battle. Evil Ninja God is too quick, too powerful, and never gives up. The match-up is so unfair, it seems silly that they even go through with the fight. Over and over again, Ninja God reaches deep inside himself, willing himself to new heights, yet he always comes up short. Capt. XX know it, Mr. P knows it, and both combatants know it as well, yet "Armageddon" continues. The outcome was set long before the creation of the universe. But still, you have to respect that masked man-in-black for continually stepping into the ring...just don't put any money on him.

27 May 2007

1 - Choosing the Right Hot Tub.

Hot tubs are generally awesome. Some hot tubs, however, are far superior to others. How do you find the best one, and what is the best way to use it? After vast research and experimentation, here is the boys' awesome method. (Often, Capt. XX and Mr. P shall be referred to simply as "the boys"...there's less punctuation and capitalization and thus easier to type.)

Step 1 - Finding the Right Hot Tub - Ideally, a hot tub should be round. Square hot tubs have corners which make proper hot-tubbing much more difficult. Water flow should be constant and uni-directional (counter-clockwise is preferred). Water temperature is less important than water circulation, however logic demands that the water in a hot tub should not be cold. Size definitely matters. A decent tub for 2 should be no smaller than 8 ft in diameter. An international hot tub should still be no smaller than 8 ft in diameter, because, after all, the metric system just isn't very awesome. The size of the hot tub (diameter of the circle) should be directly proportional to the number of hot-tubbers (X). The equation follows:

Dhot tub= 4Xft, where X>2, because hot-tubbing alone is not awesome!

Step 2 - Prepare to Hot-Tub - Hot-tubbing is best when performed before lunch, which typically takes place some time before 3:30 pm. All participants should acquire the proper attire - sunglasses, sunscreen, and swim trunks* - and equipment - flotation mat (Styrofoam works best) and cold beverage*. *optional, but highly recommended

Step 3 - Proper Form - All participants shall don sunglasses and swim trunks (unless a prior mutual decision has been reached), apply sunscreen, and then, using the flotation mat, lie on their backs and enjoy the circular movement and a cold beverage. Although minimal conversation is allowed, it is strongly discouraged. The event should continue until lunchtime or other important engagements begin. (A list of acceptable engagements will be provided at a later date.)


Capt. XX and Mr. P are not fictional characters, but those aren't their real names. They live on planet Earth, just like almost everyone else, but they do so awesomely. Those of you who may not believe that "awesomely" is an adequate and/or correct modifier for the verb "live" should not continue to read this. Go elsewhere. "Awesome" is a word that will be used in every form and at all times to describe the life which can be enjoyed by incorporating these tips and tricks to living, which they have painstakingly gathered throughout the years. This information will not be presented in any logical order, although it will be numbered for quick and easy reference. GALA!